Parenting Triggers
as Learning Opportunities

Triggers in the context of facilitating dialogue

When I taught students how to facilitate intergroup dialogues, one important aspect of our process was to identify our triggers (some refer to them as hot buttons). Triggers are words, phrases, or actions that cause us to react and feel strong emotions.

In teaching facilitator training courses, a very common pattern is the individual with a social identity that is given privilege in our society would say something that triggered emotions in those who had a social identity that was targeted in our society.

For example, in discussing race, I heard many white students say “I just see everyone as an individual.” This statement often triggered students of color because of their past experiences in always being seen as a member of a group, not as an individual.

The role of the facilitator is to know and understand their own triggers so that they can manage their emotional responses to those triggers. This doesn’t necessarily mean the facilitator ignores the trigger, but they can use the moment as an opportunity for learning. If the facilitator reacts too strongly to the triggers, from their own emotions, it can shut down the learning of students. Triggers can be amazing learning opportunities for both individuals.

Parenting Triggers

Often when we, as parents, are triggered by something our child says or does, it brings up emotions that are related to an incident earlier in our lives in which we experienced pain. In the process of challenging our socialization, these triggers can be insight into our experiences of oppression as a child that are now impacting how we interact with our children.

If these reactions remain unexamined, we miss an opportunity to move beyond how we were socialized as children. As I began to try and learn a new way of parenting, essentially unlearning adultism, my triggers became an opportunity to examine my past experiences and move beyond them.

I distinctly remember a time when I was happy and singing a song as I was walking to the car with Martel. He said, “Mom, your singing is annoying me. Stop singing.” In the past we have encouraged Martel to be open with his feelings and we try hard to honor those feelings. I instantly felt anger toward Martel for telling me to stop singing. Clearly, he had touched some nerve in me. I did not react in the moment, except to shut down.

As we were driving, I had some time to find more of a centered place and I began to realize that my father would often yell at us if we were too loud and having fun. Martel’s words brought me back to being an 8 year-old little girl who could not openly express her emotions for fear of being recriminated. A sense of powerless and anger had come over me just by having Martel ask me to stop singing.

I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have been triggered since becoming a parent. When I am triggered by something Martel or Greyson does or says, I have essentially two choices. I can react to the trigger, and the child, with anger and recreate for them the sense of powerlessness and loss of control I experienced as a child or I can step back and use whatever tools I have to ensure that my issues stay my issues.

My goal, though I am still far from it, is to not pass on my issues to my children. I still react to triggers. When I do, I have to go back and take responsibility for my actions (or reactions) and make amends with my children. I hope to model the spiral of learning for my children.

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