Parenting Triggers
as Learning Opportunities
When I taught students how to facilitate
intergroup dialogues,
one important aspect of our process was to identify our triggers (some refer to them as hot buttons). Triggers are words, phrases, or actions that cause us to react and feel strong emotions which are usually connected to other experiences beyond those in the present moment. Triggers are often a sign of unintegrated emotional experiences that are a result of
emotional control
we may have experienced as children.
Often when we, as parents, are triggered by something our child says or does, it brings up emotions that are related to an incident earlier in our lives in which we experienced pain. In the process of challenging our socialization, these triggers can be insight into our experiences of oppression as a child that are now impacting how we interact with our children.If these reactions remain unexamined, we miss an opportunity to move beyond how we were socialized as children. As I began to try and learn a new way of parenting, essentially unlearning adultism, my triggers became an opportunity to examine my past experiences and move beyond them. I distinctly remember a time when I was happy and singing a song as I was walking to the car with Martel. He said, “Mom, your singing is annoying me. Stop singing.” In the past we have encouraged Martel to be open with his feelings and we try hard to honor those feelings. I instantly felt anger toward Martel for telling me to stop singing. Clearly, he had touched some nerve in me. I did not react in the moment, except to shut down. As we were driving, I had some time to find more of a centered place and I began to realize that my father would often yell at us if we were too loud and having fun. Martel’s words brought me back to being an 8 year-old little girl who could not openly express her emotions. A sense of powerless and anger had come over me just by having Martel ask me to stop singing. More recently, I have had the opportunity to experience my triggers while taking Martel to the dentist. In this case, I wasn't triggered by Martel's actions, but by the actions of the dentist and hygienist. During the visit, I observed several interactions between the staff and other children that felt disrespectful to the autonomy of the children and their right to control their own bodies. I was also struggling with the way the hygienist spoke to Martel. During the visit I didn't come right out and challenge the staff, but instead would focus on Martel's comfort. I would ask him questions about he was feeling rather than direct comments at the staff. I didn't realize how deeply I had been triggered until I got home and suddenly felt completely exhausted by the visit. I reflected on my own experiences as a child who had numerous cavities and hated going to the dentist. I didn't have a choice about getting my cavities filled and I didn't feel I could complain to my parents. But, I know now that those experiences were traumatic to some degree because I was not able to control what was being done to my body. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have been triggered since becoming a parent. When I am triggered by something Martel or Greyson does or says, I have essentially two choices. I can react to the trigger, and the child, with anger and recreate for them the sense of powerlessness and loss of control I experienced as a child or I can step back and use whatever tools I have to ensure that my issues stay my issues. I also need to remain mindful of my own past experiences and not let those taint the present moment for Martel and Greyson. My experiences are not theirs. How I react to the ways others treat children, may not be how Martel or Greyson perceives the interaction. Being aware of those moments when I am triggered can allow me to step back and ask Martel or Greyson what they thought of their experiences. I can choose to see the world through their eyes and their lives, as opposed to imposing my view of their world on them.
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