Is Our Love Toxic to Children?

Yes, sometimes, my love is toxic. We tend to believe that love is supposed to be the purest, most noble emotion. When we love someone it is supposed to elevate us, take us beyond ourselves. It enriches our lives.

And yet, the other side of love comes from fear. Love that is supported by fear motivates us to behave in ways that diminishes us AND the children in our lives.

That is the kind of love that is toxic to our relationships with children.

Some would not even call it love. But, in our culture, this kind of parental love is considered normal, natural, and expected. Sometimes it is called good parenting.

When we are rooted in fear, our love becomes controlling.

I need us to set aside for a moment the argument I’ve heard many times when I talk about fear, control, and parenting. “If your 2 year-old is running into traffic, you mean you aren’t going to stop him?!?” Of course, I will use whatever means I need to physically and immediately prevent a child from running into traffic and getting hit by a car. This is not the kind of fear and control I'm talking about.

The kind of fear that produces toxic love is the fear we have of the future. Not the immediate fear that comes from imminent danger.

As parents, we may spend a lot of time thinking and planning for a child’s future. We may be setting aside money for college. We may be thinking about what kind of early learning children need in order to be successful academically.

We may be thinking and planning for how children will learn to be compassionate and care for others. Perhaps we want children to learn to care for animals and the earth and we do certain things to ensure they gain that perspective.

We envision our child’s life and we plan for it. We envision our lives with children and we plan for it. Sometimes thinking about the future is empowering.

Other times, our love gets caught up in doing all the right things to ensure children get everything we think they need in life. We create expectations for them and their futures.

We don’t want them to hang out with the "wrong" friends, get caught up in drugs or alcohol, have sex before they are ready (or before we’re ready), say please and thank you and know how to share with others.

I've done all of this kind of envisioning. And, there are times when all of my planning and future thinking gets me in trouble because I become fearful of the future outcomes.

I may not even be aware that this fear is operating in me.

In our culture, childhood is oriented toward the future. It is not about our relationships with children now, it's about how we are preparing them for their future. So when I am operating out of fear of the future, I'm being a responsible, good parent according to dominant mainstream beliefs.

What I discovered about this belief is that when I connect my love with fear of the future, I become controlling. Whenever our love is coupled with fear, we act to try and remain in control of ourselves and others as a way to get the outcomes we want.

We think if we can only control things today, we can ensure the outcomes tomorrow. We create a false sense of safety. And, in the end, children rebel from this control.

We get exactly what we don’t want in our relationships with them, disconnection, anger, and frustration. Parents and children experience both of these things in relationships built on love that comes from fear of the future.

They rebel. They move away from us, physically and emotionally. They don’t trust us because we have an agenda for them. We are toxic to the development of their true selves.

The extreme, you might say, is that we let go and have no involvement. We become neglectful parents. There is an alternative that rejects control and embraces connection.

This kind of connection is rooted in love that is healthy. We can’t ever guarantee anything. But we can stay connected.

We can see children for who they are. Not children as the embodiment of all our fears of the future. Not children as the embodiment of our displaced hopes and dreams. Not children as the representation of all the things that are left to be done like brushing teeth, combing hair or taking a shower.

We can see them as the individuals they are right now.

This connection to the present moment allows us to be with children in ways that create acceptance, love, and trust.

I still plan and think about the future. I don't think I can ever stop doing this. You probably will to. Some of the planning is fun.

But, when all that focus on the future turns to fear of the future, what if this or what if that happens, then the fear can drive our actions with children. This is the fear that turns our love toxic.