Taking Credit: Pride and Ego

In one section of How Children Fail, Holt writes about his interactions with a mother and makes the general statement that adults are typically not interested when children do things well without being made to because we then cannot give ourselves most of the credit for their accomplishments.

He goes on to say: Children sense this attitude. They resent it, and they are right to resent it. By what right do we assume that there is nothing good in children except what we put there? This view is condescending and presumptuous. More important, it is untrue, and blinds us to the fact that in our clumsy and ignorant efforts to mold the character of children we probably destroy at least as many good qualities as we develop, do at least as much harm as good. (p. 161)

When I read this statement, it stopped me in my tracks. I had to reread it more than once. It made me intensely uncomfortable. Despite the fact that I might fool myself into believing I am not like this, Holt hit too close to home. I had to begin the process of examining my past behaviors and current beliefs to see how this statement, that there is nothing good in children except what we put there, might live within me.

I began thinking about pride, ego and my desire (or need) to take credit for the accomplishments of Martel and Greyson. Martel, for example, often asks me to give him math problems that he can solve in his head. We do addition, subtraction, and a tiny bit of multiplication. At the time of this conversation he was 8 1/2 and I asked him if he knew what negative numbers were. He said yes, so I gave him an addition problem with a negative number, which he answered correctly.

My reaction is to get all excited and tell Rob about it. I share it with the grandparents, because they have trouble understanding our natural learning approach, as a way to prove that we are good parents.

I try not to show Martel how excited I am because I do not want to send the message that I am surprised by his knowledge. But the reality is I am surprised by what he knows. This is in spite of the fact that he has shown over and over that he has the ability to learn anything he wants with only occasional support from an adult (and usually only when he asks).

I have internalized the dominant paradigm that children can only learn from adults. Martel needs an adult to teach him things. And, I want to be able to take credit for those things.

I have even gone back through some of my writings on this website and I see strands of this attitude. There are times when I feel that I give lip service to the idea that Martel has taught me how to be a better parent. While at the same time, deep down, I want to take credit for the kind of person he is.

When I think about my own relationship with my parents, I know that I would feel offended if they believed that my accomplishments, or the person that I am, were solely (or mostly) the result of their parenting. I would feel diminished and disempowered.

If I am honest, I must admit that I carry this belief within me. I have trouble disconnecting my ego from my parenting. My attachment to being the reason why Martel and Greyson are who they are, not only sets me up to take credit when it is not appropriate, but it also sets me up to be responsible for their happiness and their accomplishments.

In the end, I need to continue to challenge myself when the ego rises up and I feel the need to take credit (internally or externally) for Martel or Greyson. Although our interactions and relationships are incredibly important, they are full human beings. I feed my own ego by taking credit for them, or perhaps away from them, and at the same time I diminish them and their power.