Using Power Over Children

After he informed me of his intentions, I said “Is there something else you wanted to talk to your friend about, maybe getting together to play? He smiled and nodded. I then said “I knew you wanted a playdate! I could just tell.” Martel’s smile turned into a frown and he began to cry. He told me that he feels like when I say those kinds of things he can never have any thoughts to himself; he could have no secrets. He left the room upset and sad.

Of course, I apologized. I felt badly that I had hurt him. Then, I even went into victim mode for a few minutes, feeling sorry for myself that Martel was so “sensitive” to the things I said. I could just never please him. Obviously, my process of unlearning this “parent as victim” mode is still on-going.

Later that day, I began to reflect on our conversation. I realized that my socialization as a child had taught me that parents or adults supposedly know children better than they know themselves.

As I have written in my article about inner authority, we learn at a young age to substitute the knowledge and authority of others (in particular parents, teachers, and other adults) for our own knowledge and authority. As adults and parents, this socialization continues and we are further indoctrinated to believe that responsible parents use their superior knowledge and wisdom to teach children, not only about themselves, but also about how they need to act in order to be productive and fit the norms of our society.

In light of my socialization and experiences, I believed that my comment to him was made in a loving and fun manner. My statement to Martel was, in fact, disempowering and belittling. What I had done in that statement was effectively use my power over Martel to show him that he could not think of anything that I already had not thought of.

At the time, he was not ready to share with me that he wanted to play with his friend. I had pre-empted him and robbed him of his ability to inform me of what he wanted in his own time and his own way.

Although each of us wants to be “known” and loved for who we really are, we also each have the right to decide the ways in which we choose to reveal ourselves to those around us.

Just because I think I know what Martel is thinking, feeling, or planning, I do not have the right to use my power as a parent to demonstrate this "knowledge" in ways that disempower him.

Between individuals who have a more equal power relationship, the kind of statement I made to Martel might been experienced quite differently. But in our society, because adults have power over children, the words we use and statements we make have much more impact.

Although I work to try and compensate in our relationship for the power differential between child and adult, I must remain vigilant about the ways in which I unintentionally disempower the children who share my life.

This conversation was another opportunity to reflect on they ways in which I have accepted the dominant paradigm of control and power over children. I feel fortunate that Martel is willing to express how my actions and words impact him so that I can continue to unlearn the harmful ways in which I use my power and relearn new ways of parenting.

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