Physical PunishmentI was on Facebook the other night and happened to see a link to a group called “My parents didn’t put me in time out, they whooped my ass”. I felt sad when I read the group discussion, because it made me think about the ways in which we make it permissible and even desirable for parents to use physical punishment and force to get children to meet our needs as adults. The group had over 500,000 members. In our society, we use many reasons to justify physical punishment and hurting a child. There is still the myth that babies do not feel pain, so we circumcise boys without regard to the pain it inflicts. When children hurt themselves we tell them to get over it and stop crying. We use terms that minimize physical punishment. We are not hitting, we are “spanking”. We “swat” a toddler on the butt. Even when a child is raped, we call it “sexual abuse” or “molestation”. It is easy to minimize children’s experiences with physical punishment because we learn as a child that we are small and powerless. Our social institutions reinforce this sense of smallness. We get through the rites of passage that are childhood and go forth believing that as adults we can now impose our will on the children around us, as was done to us. I was not put in time out. My physical punishments consisted of my father whipping us with the belt. I still remember getting whipped and frankly, it did not, in any way, ensure that I would behave better. What I got better at was hiding those things that I knew my parents would be upset about. It created resentment and anger on my part. It did not make me respect my father more, although I did fear him. The humiliation I experienced as a result of those whippings would stay with me. I hated the feeling that someone could decide what s/he could do with my body and I had no control over it because they were bigger and stronger than me. Those feelings stayed with me into adulthood. One night, after Rob and I got home from going out, we were changing clothes and I was sitting on the bed. Rob was standing next to the bed and pulled his belt off really fast with one hand. My immediate reaction was to duck and I could feel this overwhelming fear for a few seconds. I never realized it, but that motion was exactly what my father would do when he was angry and getting ready to whip us. I was in my early 30’s. Despite seeing my experiences as a child as negative, I still struggle with not using my physical size to impose my will on the children who share my life. I can pick up Greyson to stop him from doing something. I can force him to change his diaper when he does not want to. I have to stay cognizant of my intentions and motivations for doing what I do with him. I try to ask for permission before taking his clothes off or changing his diaper. Despite the fact that he is 3, perhaps especially because he is 3, I need to make sure he has as much control over his body and personal space as I can. The world is naturally full of limitations for a 3 year old, he needs to feel like he is big and can control as much of the world around him as possible. It is my responsibility to find ways for him to successfully navigate this physical world. Unfortunately, during times of stress, I can forget this and become frustrated and impatient. I then fall back into my socialization and impose myself on him in order to meet my own needs, not help him get his needs met. Leaving behind what I learned as a child, my socialization, is an easy task when life is going smoothly. It is during challenging, stressful times that I have to work even harder to remember that Martel and Greyson deserve to be treated with respect and kindness as the full human beings that they are.
You Are Secure!
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