Perspective TakingIt seems that my greatest teacher, Greyson (3), is in my life to keep reinforcing lessons that I need learn and learn again. For the last couple of weeks, I have struggled against my feelings of frustration with him. As is fairly typical at this age, his need to be with me varies, but is usually pretty high. I am more introverted and find that I struggle more when I do not have some time to myself during any given day. Greyson and I had spent most of the day together going to see the movie Oceans, visiting the mall play area and finally spending a couple hours at the park. When we arrived home, I was ready for a break and dinner and he still wanted to keep going. We were discussing a set of penguins that had belonged to Martel (who was gone at the time) and I was reluctant to give them to him without knowing whether or not Martel would agree. Instead of listening to Greyson, I became frustrated and impatient. I interrupted him and told him that the penguins were Martel’s and we could not play with them until Martel got home. He started to say something else and I tossed the box on the floor and said, “Fine, just do whatever you want with them.” I walked out the room. Greyson walked out of the bedroom a few seconds later and said, “Mom, ask Martel when he gets home if I can play with the penguins.” This is probably what he had planned to say all along, but I kept interrupting him because I felt as though he was not listening to me. My need was for him to comply without argument in that moment. When he started to engage in more conversation, I assumed he was going to make a case for playing with the penguins before Martel came home. In some ways, as I write out this scenario, it seems quite petty. I was angry about eight little plastic penguins. As I reflected on my behavior and emotions during the exchange the next day, I thought about how much I want Greyson to understand me. Somehow if he just understood my perspective, he would see what I needed him to do and he would do it. What struck me most was how I have resisted seeing and understanding Greyson’s perspective. I want him to understand my perspective, but I have not been willing to understand his. The penguins are one small example. They are important to me because I am in the process of preparing to co-facilitate a workshop on intergroup dialogue at a university in Florida. One of the goals of dialogue is to increase the participants’ ability to take in others’ perspectives; to see beyond their own world-view. In my relationship with Greyson, I have the power. At an institutional and societal level, adults are given power over children. Because of the differences in our physical stature, I also have greater physical power. He still depends on adults to ensure his survival. Our culture assumes that this dependence means that his needs and his desires are not as important as mine. I was socialized within this paradigm of adult power and control over children. When under stress, I use my power to force him to accept or at least give in to my point of view, while at the same time I claim feelings of powerlessness. I talk over him, interrupt him, and coerce him. I close myself off and refuse to see his perspective. Not coincidentally, I have had some intense neck pain over the last couple of weeks. After several days of this pain, I decided to check in with Louise Hay’s book, Heal Your Body. Louise Hay has written about the connection between emotional issues and specific areas of disease or pain in the body. I usually find some insight into what may be happening for me after reading her work. What I read was that neck pain is usually a sign of not being willing to accept someone else’s perspective. Although I had read this over a week ago, I still would not admit to myself that I was refusing to see someone else’s perspective. I was in denial and resistant to seeing myself as being closed off to another person’s point of view. Finally after pushing myself to admit that I wanted Greyson to see what I wanted, but I was refusing to see his perspective, I broke down and let go of all the resistance. I openly claimed to Rob that I was stuck in my own world view and let myself accept my choice to not take in Greyson perspective. I owned it. As always happens, my resistance to accepting the “negative” parts of myself, caused my feelings of frustration to increase and my neck pain got worse and worse. It took on a life of its own. Owning all the parts of me, provided relief. In some ways it is easy to articulate what Greyson’s perspective might be. At three, he is struggling with manipulating the physical world to meet his needs. He has a strong desire to do things himself and is still developing his ability to use his hands and tools to create his desired outcomes. The world is still out of his reach. He needs our help to get things down, or to lift him up. He sometimes asks for help negotiating the sharing of toys that other children have. And, he resists our attempts to help him when he does not want help. Intellectually, I could “see” his perspective. But, I was choosing not to feel his perspective deep within me. This surface-level acceptance allowed me to gloss over my feelings of frustration and feel justified in continuing to dominate him and push my own agenda. The deeper acceptance, of my negative impulses and feelings, and then subsequently of his perspective, creates an opening where I can respond with compassion and love, both to Greyson and to myself. I am glad for the realizations I have made this round and I expect this lesson will come again to me through Greyson. Breaking free of my socialization continues….
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