Manipulation
and
the Illusion of Choice

When Martel (now 8) was very young, less than a year old, I remember reading in child-rearing books and on websites the idea that parents should give young children two or three choices in order to give them the feeling of power and control. At the time I did not critically examine this advice. I did, however, try and implement this advice sometime after Martel turned 2 years old.

I remember feeling good about my ability as a parent to “give up” control and “allow” “my” child to make some choices. I have the very distinct and vivid memory of when Martel decided to call my bluff and challenge the way I was manipulating him. He was about 2 ½. After giving him two choices, he turned to me and said, “That is no choice!”

I jokingly refer to that interaction as the moment I realized he was much smarter than I was. Despite the way I have joked about that moment in the past, I struggle to this day with my desire to manipulate the choices of Martel and Greyson (3).

I want to be a parent who is liberated from the paradigm of domination and control. The reality is I struggle with the ways in which I have internalized this paradigm. Not only did I experience being dominated as a child through the social institutions in our culture, I learned equally well how to wield the tools of domination, including manipulation, with the children in my life.

There was a time when I only allowed Martel to watch non-commercial television. Rather than be in dialogue with him about what he saw on television, I manipulated what came into the house by not having cable. He could then just watch PBS Kids shows. I constructed the kind reality for him that made me comfortable. Though he could choose to watch whatever he wanted, I manipulated the range of choices for him to reflect my own objectives for him. I did the same with food choices.

In reality, I still manipulate the food choices of the family. I am the one doing the majority of grocery shopping, but rather than believing that using power is good and I have the unquestioned right to exercise it, I have at least questioned whether or not I should be manipulating their choices.

There are still times now when Martel and Greyson have asked for, say, Go-gurt, and instead I buy an organic brand. Manipulation continues and I continue to question myself. Frankly, when I began this journey I would have never believed that grocery shopping would provide such great fodder for questioning whether or not I am committed to a respectful relationship with the children in my life.

What am I doing when I manipulate? Paulo Freire, has written, “Manipulation attempts to anesthetize the people so they will not think.” (Pedagogy of the Oppressed, p. 149) In essence, by manipulating choices, I take away the need for Martel and Greyson to think critically about the world around them and the choices they might freely make for themselves.

I present a sanitized, constructed version of the world with choices that I am comfortable with, and thus maintain my power over them. I give them the illusion of self-empowerment without losing my own status as the person who controls their lives. I can continue to move them toward the objectives I have chosen for them while feeling a bit self-righteous about my enlightenment.

Even as I write this, I feel uncomfortable and want to hit delete. I want to be a liberated, free parent, to be a person who has already overcome my need to dominate. Not yet. I am still in the process of transforming myself with the help of Martel and Greyson who refuse to accept nothing less than my continued growth.

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