Controlling Children versus
Co-creating with Children

Letting go of control requires us to interact and be with children from a place that honors their experiences, their feelings, and their needs and wants. It requires more than “do it because I told you so.” What is required of us is to be with our children as co-creators.

I try to see my children as having a different worldview and a different set of experiences, just as I would see a person who comes from, for example, a different racial background or socio-economic background. The parenting process becomes not one in which I strive to have my children accept my particular view of the world, but rather where I try and understand their view and when needed and asked, I communicate my view of the world.

Together, we learn from each other and we co-create our experiences. My experiences are not more important than Martel’s or Greyson’s. They are different. Often I must act as an interpreter to the adult world in which I live. Often they act as interpreters to their world.

When they are treated with disrespect because they are children, I help them to understand why that may have happened. My responsibility is to understand the impact it has on them, not project what I think the impact is. When they say or do things that might hurt others, I work to help them understand the impact their words and behavior may have as well.

I am by no means in a perfect place in this co-creating relationship. Do I resort to power and control? Yes. At times it is because I must ensure that children are safe. I do and will yell at my son to stop if he is running in the parking lot away from me or into the street. I do and will step between them if they are hurting each other.

When safety is not an issue, I have also resorted to domination and control. My parenting is a process. Unlearning adultism is a process. I've spent 40 years fully indoctrinated in my belief that I have the right and responsibility to exercise control over children.

I spent far less time than 40 years defining a new way of living that is respectful of their world view and lives up to the values I espoused in my professional and personal life working with issues of diversity and social justice. I have a long way to go on my journey. It is in the process of learning to let go of what I know, rather than being perfect all the time, that allows me the room to grow.

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