Giving Up Power
to Authority Figures

In our culture we often give over our power to individuals whom we believe have more knowledge or authority, such as doctors, dentists, teachers and others considered “professionals.” As a child, I was expected, and in turn chose, to go to doctors when I was sick. I looked outside of myself for cures to whatever illness I had. My parents were socialized to accept the authority and decisions of doctors and dentists and until I was in my 30s, I did the same.

When I began to experience food reactions to foods I had previously been able to eat, I found little help in the field of allopathic medicine. Soon after that my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within 6 months. I found myself exploring other alternatives to conventional western medicine.

As a result of these explorations, which began prior to my getting pregnant and after my mother’s death, I began to make different choices in practitioners. I began to see holistic and alternative health practitioners. I also began to see myself as being responsible for my own health, rather than relying on my health insurance and doctors to keep me healthy.

When I decided to leave my career, I left behind employer subsidized health insurance and we bought catastrophic individual insurance policies. We also no longer have dental insurance. With these choices, I completed my transition to seeing myself as the main actor in my body’s health.

Despite my having come to a place where I felt as though I could challenge those in authority in the medical field, some experiences in the last nine months with Martel’s dentist reminded me that I still have lots more road to travel.

Martel had visited a dentist once before when he was 4, and when he was seven he started asking to see a dentist. We found a dentist who allowed parents to be present with their children during procedures, so we decided to take Martel there.

Martel’s visit went really well until it came time to do the fluoride. I vacillated at first and held back my objection to the fluoride. I decided to not say anything and when I am honest about it, I felt uncomfortable challenging the authority of the hygienist. Martel put the fluoride in his mouth and after about 15 seconds his eyes welled up with tears. Instead of saying to the hygienist that we needed to stop, I looked at Martel and said, “It’s only for 10 more seconds. Just hold on and you’re done.”

I felt like a failure. I had not advocated for him in the way I would have wanted or imagined I would do in that situation. I had chosen to hold back because I was uncomfortable and not willing to be seen as a difficult parent. Although it was a small thing, it has stayed with me for a long time. Martel said at the end of that visit that he would never go to the dentist again.

Eight months later, Martel’s two top teeth had been loose for several months. He could not brush his bottom teeth without hitting them and being in pain, so he had developed a lot of visible tartar on his bottom teeth. We talked about it and though I took over brushing we made no progress. He decided he wanted to try the dentist again.

We went back for the cleaning and before the appointment I told the office staff that we would not be doing fluoride. They agreed without any hesitation. When we arrived at the office, Martel and I went back for the appointment just as we had done at the last visit. A few seconds later, I was asked to go to the office with one of the staff.

The office manager told me that they had changed their policy and I would not be able to be with Martel. Never before had someone told me that I could not be with my son. I felt a flash of anger. I could feel my face get red and I was not sure where to go with the intensity of feelings that I had.

The office manager apologized to me. I told her that we would not be continuing with the appointment. I expressed my frustration that we had come all the way down for the appointment and I should have known earlier about this change.

In the midst of the discussion with her, I began to cry. I was overcome with emotions: fear, anger, frustration, and then embarrassment for crying. As I was talking with her and feeling intensely like I wanted to pull Martel out of the chair and leave, I came to the realization that this was my issue. I did not know how Martel felt.

I told her that my feelings were my own and despite them, it was Martel’s decision. She went to get Martel and we briefly discussed it. He said he was fine with me not being there and he wanted to go ahead with the appointment. He went back to the chair.

The hygienist who was working with Martel came in and I told her that if Martel said to stop she needed to stop immediately. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “He’s okay.” At the time, I did not know that English was not her first language and I felt she was being glib.

When the office manager came back in I was upset again. I finally was able to communicate with her that Martel had to be the person in control of his own body. He needed to set the boundaries and many adults, including dentists and doctors, do not respect a child’s decision. She quickly said to me, “oh, of course, we would stop.” I felt as though I was being patronized.

I pushed and finally said, “When he says no that has to be respected.”

She stepped back with a look of recognition and said, “Oh… it’s like if a woman says no, it means no.”

“Yes,” I responded, “it’s exactly like that.”

“I get it now.” She continued, “I have goosebumps from even thinking about it that way.”

I finally felt like I had gotten through.

It was an intense, emotional day for me. In reflecting on it, I realize that my earlier failure to advocate for Martel sent me into a downward spiral of feeling as though I would fail him again. If I had forced Martel to leave no matter what his feelings on the matter, I would have been doing exactly what I feared the others would do, disrespect his power to decide for himself what he wanted to happen to his body.

I am not sure where the impulse came to acknowledge that my feelings were mine in the midst of this emotional upheaval. I do know that it was a moment for me that I need to remember. In my desire to have others respect Martel’s rights, I cannot trample his rights as well.

The other lesson for me is to continue to challenge my own socialization with regard to “authority” figures. My strategy has been to avoid dealing with conventional doctors unless absolutely necessary. This experience has helped me realize that my avoidance has not helped me to come to terms with my feelings about doctors. My goal would be to find a balanced approach to medical situations where I neither demonize the doctors nor do I give up my own authority and power. authority and power.

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