The Cycle of ControlWhen our children are born, they are wholly dependent on us for survival. We are socialized to believe that we know what is best for our children and it is our responsibility in turn to “socialize” them to become responsible, productive adults. Their dependency on us, and this socialization, allows us to easily believe that we should control their lives in order to ensure they turn out “right”. We do this in both overt and covert ways. Even if we nursed or fed our babies on demand, as our children grow, we may decide that they should eat on schedule and eat certain foods. We may determine what they eat by limiting what we bring in the house (covert control). We may determine what they eat by forcing them to eat everything on their plates before they are allowed to have desert or a treat (overt control). We convince ourselves that we are doing right by our children by making decisions for them. Of course our children are unable to decide when and what to eat. They cannot decide what to watch on television or what video games to play. They cannot decide what time to go to sleep. We are convinced that because we have lived longer and have paid our dues, it is our responsibility to make all of their decisions for them. By making all those decisions, we are denying their experiences, and depriving them of their right to self-determination. We treat them with disrespect and disregard. In the history of our society, and to this day, we have denied groups of people the right to self-determination by infantilizing them or by labeling them as savages who need to be civilized. I often hear of the need to "tame" or "civilize" children in order to make them acceptable to adult society. Our children do need our support and they are dependent. Does this dependence give us the right to control their lives? If a partner in a relationship stays home and does not bring in income, does this give the “bread-winning” partner the right to determine how all money is spent in the household? Does the financial dependence of one partner mean that the other partner can control her or his actions? We create the belief that because children are young and do not have our experiences they cannot make the right kinds of decisions. We then control their decisions. They naturally push back against this control, and this rebellion reinforces our beliefs that they do not have the ability to manage their own lives. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy and a self-perpetuating cycle. The cycle of control has life long consequences. Even as adults, we still live with the effects of the control adults exercised over us as children. If our parents controlled what we ate, we may manifest eating disorders as teenagers or adults. If we were told we had to become a doctor or a lawyer, we may have spent our adult lives pursuing our parents' dreams or we may have rebelled and pursued other vocations only in reaction to that control and domination. Breaking the cycle of control demands that we, as parents, challenge how we were indoctrinated as children. We can learn to move beyond disempowering stereotypes and prejudices about children and childhood. Does abdicating control mean abdicating our responsibility as parents?
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