Controlling Media Access

My process of breaking through the cycle of control usually begins with reading or experiencing some information that challenges my current world-view. Controlling media access was just one of the patterns of behavior I have worked to change over the last several years.

When I began to deeply examine the ways in which I had used my power to control Martel’s (now 8) life, I realized that so much of my desire to control came out of fear. This was true of food control and it was also true of control of media access. I believed that if Martel watched violent shows, like Power Rangers, or if he played violent video games, he would internalize the violence and become violent himself. I had bought into the hype and fear that children could not distinguish between real life and TV.

I remember when I first introduced the original Star Wars trilogy. I had them on VHS and over the course of my life, had watched them countless times. When I showed them to Martel, I remember that there were two scenes in particular that I did not want him to see. One scene was when Luke Skywalker is being electrocuted by the emperor and the other is when he battles the Rancor, both in the final episode. I thought they were too scary and I would fast forward when they came up. The new Star Wars trilogy was already out, and I had decided he would not be able to see those until he was much older because of the violent content.

Martel was maybe 5 years old and I remember one day he was in the bedroom watching the movies recovering from a cold. I heard one of the scenes come up and as I went into the bedroom, Martel slammed the door, held it closed and yelled, “Mom, don’t worry the scene’s almost over, and then you can come in.” He had decided that I was fast-forwarding past those scenes because I was scared, not because he should not watch them. He was not scared at all of what was happening in the movie. In fact, I had actually lied to him by saying I was scared of the scenes, not that I thought he should not watch them.

I was not neutral about what kinds of shows and videos Martel watched. I truly believed that controlling his access to media was for his own good. I started to read numerous articles from parents who did not control their children and they introduced me to the idea that I could trust Martel (and Greyson) to know when they had reached the edge of their comfort zone.

When I began to observe, in a neutral way, Martel’s reactions to shows, I realized that he did get scared and want to change the channel while watching certain shows. What these shows had in common was a child (or children) who was “getting into trouble” and would soon be scolded or punished by their parents or other adults (for example, Caillou, on PBS). He also did not like shows where children or teenagers were in danger (the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles).

If he saw something that made him uncomfortable, he would ask me to change the channel or turn off the show. I realized that all along he had been communicating his comfort level to me and though I complied with his requests, I did not make the connection that he was self-regulating his own access to media. I still did not trust him.

As I grew more and more comfortable with what Martel chose to watch, we would offer suggestions of movies he might want to see. He finally decided he wanted to see the new Star Wars trilogy. We sat with him as he watched to talk about anything and to be there if he decided he was ready to turn off the dvd player. In the final movie of the trilogy, episode 3, there is the scene where Anakin has been fighting Obi-wan and he ends up losing his legs and burning in lava. I was anxious when Martel was to watch this scene. When it happened, he turned to his dad and said, “oh, look dad, guy burning up in lava.”

When we have discussed what really happens when someone is shot, or falls off a building, Martel is quick to remind us that he knows it is only a movie. He has not translated what he sees on the screen into his real life.

In real life, Martel has developed compassion and empathy for others. He is loving and caring, while at the same time he is human. He does get angry and frustrated, as we all do. But, since we stopped controlling his life, his angry outbursts, which might have included hitting and shoving, stopped. He has, on occasion, hurt someone, but it is almost always when they have hurt him or he thought they were hurting someone else. We talk about those situations and try to think about solutions that do not involve resorting to physical violence.

When his 3 year-old brother Greyson turned off the Wii in the middle of his game because he did not want Martel to be playing, he yelled “Greyson, you cannot turn off the Wii” very loudly, but did not hit him. He even came to me and said, “Mom, when Greyson turned off the Wii, I really wanted to punch him in the stomach, but I didn’t!” I told him that I had noticed that too.

My fears of him turning into a violent person because he played certain video games and watched certain shows have turned out to be baseless. He is a human being who is strongly connected to others, his parents, brother, friends, and other family members and adults. He feels the full range of emotions that we all do, but he is working to find ways to express them so that they do not hurt others.

In fact, Martel’s ability to express his emotions is a model for me. I often feel like I “lose it” more often than he does and I have to go back and apologize. As I have written in other articles, fear of my own anger is challenge for me.

Too often, our fears do not allow us to observe a situation from a neutral perspective and so we miss critical details. My personal task is to try and understand what socialization processes have led to those fears (or other strong emotions) in order to understand the role the emotions are playing in my life. Working through the fear by a process action and reflection (praxis) can help me to move forward to create a new frame of reference.

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